What Our Family Learned After Years in ABA
I was told ABA was the gold standard. The pediatrician handed us a referral on day one, and insurance rolled out the red carpet for 30 hours a week. No one paused to ask what my kids needed. The message was clear: make them comply, make life easier for adults, and do it fast.
Here is our hard lesson. **Compliance is not connection.** In our experience, compliance-based goals trained my kids to ignore their bodies, hide distress, and say yes when they meant no. Behaviors looked tidier, but anxiety spiked, meltdowns moved to evenings, and trust eroded at home. We were told the data looked great. Our kids did not.
Behavior changed, stress stayed. That is not growth. That is masking.
Insurance loved the hours and the spreadsheets. OT and ST were a different story. We begged for sensory support, motor planning help, and communication tools. Authorizations were tiny, inconsistent, or denied. The bias was not subtle. It was financial. **ABA was easy to get, not necessarily right to do.**
When we shifted to occupational therapy and speech therapy, the goals changed. Instead of “sit” and “quiet hands,” we worked on regulation, sensory strategies, AAC and meaningful language. My kids learned to say no, to ask for breaks, to negotiate transitions, to be listened to. Progress looked slower on paper, but life at home got better. That is the only metric that matters.
Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference that affects communication and sensory processing (CDC). Therapy should honor that difference, not punish it.
If I could start over, I would ask therapists for goals that protect autonomy and safety:
- Respect for yes and no, with breaks that are real
- Support for stims that regulate, not suppress them
- Communication that fits the child, including AAC
- Sensory strategies for daily life, not token charts
- Caregiver coaching that reduces stress at home
Compliance might make adults feel in control. **Consent, regulation, and communication** help children feel safe. Insurance pathways may push you toward what is cheaper for them. You can push back. Ask why the recommendation is ABA first. Ask what the goals are, how distress will be handled, and how your child’s no will be honored.
Our kids did not need to be more obedient. They needed to be understood.
