I am a parent of two neurodivergent kids. We followed a fast referral to ABA because that is what our doctor and insurance offered first. It felt like momentum. In those rooms, my child learned how to look OK to adults. They did not learn how to feel OK inside.
Sessions praised quick yeses, tidy hands, and smiles on cue. After a while, my child figured out who they had to be to get through the day. That looked like cooperation. It was masking.
“If I act like the kid they want, can we go home sooner?”
This did not happen by accident. ABA was recommended because big blocks were easy to approve. OT and Speech had caps, waits, or hoops. The plan followed what fit the billing system, not what fit my kids. My child paid for it with quiet car rides, late-night tears, and the sense that their real self was a problem to fix.
Signs your child might be hiding to please adults
- They speak fast in sessions, then go silent at home.
- They agree to touch or hugs but look stiff or pull their shoulders up.
- They stop stimming in the room and start picking skin or clothes later.
- They ask if they did it right more than they share what they like.
What helped instead
Occupational Therapy centered regulation. Movement, deep pressure, quieter light, and jobs that matched my child’s body. Their attention improved without a fight. They started noticing hunger, noise, and fatigue earlier, which meant fewer meltdowns later.
Speech Therapy centered real communication and AAC. The SLP modeled language during play and waited. No pressure to perform on cue. Words for no, stop, and I need space began to show up in our kitchen. That is authentic self, not a script.
Feeding therapy protected safety. No one more bite. Tiny steps, trust first, and consent at every turn. Meals softened because fear dropped.
Try this next
Ask every provider what happens when your child says no or looks overwhelmed. You should hear pause, comfort, sensory support, and a real option to stop. Put requests in writing for OT and Speech evaluations. Tie goals to your mornings, mealtimes, school transitions, and play. Run short trials. Track sleep, appetite, mood, and willingness to return within 24 hours of sessions. If your child has trouble staying focused in therapy, change the room and rhythm before you train longer sitting. Push insurance using functional needs like safety, communication access, and regulation. Ask about out of network if only giant ABA blocks are offered.
It can feel overwhelming to change course. You are not alone. A fast insurance yes is not the same as good care. If therapy is teaching your child to hide, pause. Choose partners who honor regulation, consent, and communication so your child can be fully themselves with you, not just perform for a data sheet.
