The Day I Realized My Child Was Masking Instead of Thriving
I thought we were finally getting help. The doctor sent us to ABA, insurance approved a big schedule, and we started right away. In sessions my child looked calm and met every target. On the ride home they went silent, then needed the whole evening to recover.
“If I do it right, can I stop being like this?”
That question hit me like a brick. My child was learning to hide. Quiet hands. Forced eye contact. Fast answers on cue. The clinic called it progress. At home we saw shutdown, skipped meals, and a body on high alert.
We ended up in ABA because it was easy to approve. OT and Speech were capped, waitlisted, or framed as extras. The system rewarded what fit a billing grid, not what fit our child.
Short fact: Research links autistic masking to stress and mental health difficulties (Autism journal).
Masking can look like success in a room. It drains your child in real life. If your child fidgets, you may hear “practice sitting.” Our OT later added movement, deep pressure, and calmer light. Focus improved without a fight. If your child scripts or uses AAC, you may hear “say it now.” Our SLP modeled language during play and waited. Real requests showed up at breakfast. If your child gags with new foods, pressure for one more bite can spark fear. Feeding therapy slowed down, protected safety, and curiosity returned.
The lesson I wish I had sooner is simple. Compliance is not thriving. Your child deserves support that reduces the need to mask, respects regulation, and builds communication that works in your kitchen.
How to spot masking and change course:
- Track recovery. Log sleep, appetite, meltdowns, and willingness to go within 24 hours of sessions.
- Observe therapy. Ask how distress is handled. Comfort should be offered. Breaks must be real. Your child’s no should count.
- Request concurrent evaluations in writing for OT, Speech, and feeding. Tie each to daily life at home and school.
- Start with a short trial for any service. Two weeks can tell you a lot. Adjust based on your log, not a data sheet.
- Protect consistency. Ask who will be with your child most of the time and cap the team at two steady people.
- Appeal insurance using functional needs like safety, communication access, and mealtime regulation. Ask about out of network if in network is only large ABA blocks.
It can feel overwhelming to question the first referral. You are not alone. If your child looks great in notes but comes home drained or quiet, consider masking as the signal to pause. Choose OT, Speech, and feeding support that centers regulation, consent, and authentic communication. Less time performing, more time being themselves. That is where growth lives.
